Once Upon A Midnight Dreary

We open on a shot of Caledonia in a studio, standing in a spotlight. She looks vaguely pensive.

‘Well then. Been a while since we’ve done this.’

She cricks her neck from side to side.

‘And by ‘this’, I mean since I’ve stood in a studio and done a wrestling promo. I don’t think… no, I don’t think I’ve done one of these since the last time around. How times have changed… how times have stayed the same.

I suppose by “this” I could also mean you and I going against each other, Ripper. Been… what, four months since we were last in a ring together? Six months since we last went one on one.

Let’s get it out of the way straight off the bat, Ripper. Yes. The last time we went one on one… you won.’

She looks directly into the camera.

‘And then, after already fighting a match in the night, and with you and four other men all seeing me as the easy target… I won.

And my God have I not heard the end of it from you.’

She adopts a mocking whiny tone.

‘Waah, I’m the Ripper and I’m so bloody hard done by, nobody ever recognizes my talents, they don’t throw a bloody ticker tape parade every time I fucking fart! I’m so very talented and clever and underestimated and I’m such a special boy!’

Back to the normal voice.

‘Oh yes, Ripper… you’re a two-time champion…

Well, guess what, so am I.

A Hall of Famer?

Guess what, so am I.

I’ll give you Golden Intentions, but…’

She stops and smirks.

‘Y’know, Rips, most people who go in last would just be happy at the greater chance of winning. I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone complain about having the best spot in the match.’

She adopts, once again, a mocking tone.

‘Wah, but if I don’t Andy Murray it and come in early and win, how will the world know how deep my awesomeness goes? I don’t wanna come in last, it taints my victory!’

And back to the normal voice.

‘Hey, you said it, not me…

Incidentally, Danny boy, you know who came in at number five, survived nearly an hour in that match and still nearly won?’

She winks at the camera with a grin. And then, a deep breath.

‘Oh, and let’s address the elephant in the room, since I bloody know you’re going to – if you’ve got the balls to say directly what you’ve been dancing around for weeks. The Infernalia finals.

Yeah.

They changed it on the fly in a way that suited me.

After they changed it on the fly in a way that fucked me over.

Elijah and I both had a chance to make a comeback… but AnHellica wanted the tournament over faster.

“So let’s just skip the last two matches, because I’m ca-razy like that! Whaddaya mean, that means the two people we really don’t want winning miss out on their chance at clawing back early losses?”

So yeah. My husband made a deal, and he fought and literally bled so I could have my shot.

And unlike what you’re going to do when Gordy King whips you at WrestleFest… I didn’t waste it.

Oh, and…’

She scowls.

‘One of your recurring motifs has been stuck in my feminist craw for fucking months now.

See, Ripper, you’ve made more than a few intimations that I’m the “lesser” Highlander. That I’m just a silly little girl playing at being a fighter, and that my husband’s the one who’s really a fighter – well, that would imply you’ve shown him the slightest respect, but I digress.'

She looks directly at the camera.

'I am a former tag team champion.

I am a two-time World Champion.

I went fourteen matches in a row undefeated, with everyone bringing their goddamn A-game against me.

I.

Am not.

The “lesser” Highlander.

Deny reality all you want, Ripper. You may have beaten me once… but you won’t get so lucky a second time.

You got me when I was rusty.

When I hadn’t so much as set foot in a wrestling ring for eight years.

Well, I’m back.

And I swear to God that I will choke you out right in the center of the fucking ring.

Be seeing you.’

Fade to black.

---

I left the studio still feeling surprisingly fiery. It had been a while since I’d gone in that hard on a promo. But then… it had been a while since anyone had pissed me off as much as the Ripper had in the past few months.

I shook my head, feeling my hair cascade around my shoulders; I was due for a haircut. Perhaps it was the very habit that I was indulging in – literally shaking off whatever it was I was feeling in the moment – that had led to me neglecting the salon for so long.

I had said what I had been wanting to say to Ripper for a long damn time; now, it was time to train. To get into fighting shape, and to back up my goddamn words.

Because that, I thought to myself, is what champions bloody well do.

A metaphorical championship, of course; after declining to invoke my rematch clause, another shot was nowhere within reach. It would have been nice to have won Golden Intentions and earn a title shot instead, of course…

… but then, I wouldn’t be free for my match with MJ.

I got into my car and began driving home – Eris hadn’t accompanied me to the studio; they had said something about having things to do, so I was left alone with my thoughts.

I had deliberately booked my studio slot for late at night, late enough that I would avoid traffic in both directions – which in Atlanta, meant a start time of 8:30pm. The result of which was that it was dark, even this deep into summer, by the time that all was said and done. I couldn’t say that that was a deliberate choice, but damn if it weren’t a happy consequence. There was nothing like a long drive along an empty road at night to clear your head.

In some ways, it was strange. A couple of months ago I was fighting an apocalyptic campaign in the year 2326, dueling my long-lost sister in the defiled throne room of Buckingham Palace.

Now…

Now I was wondering if I could get away with an M&M McFlurry and still have my cheat day on Saturday.

Now I’m thinking about the merits of switching my wakeup to 5am so I can go for a longer run before the Georgia heat sets in.

And suddenly I’m wondering just what exactly Eris is going to do to my basement, since the last time I left them unsupervised this long they hacked the electronic lock on Dan’s liquor cabinet and subsequently invented Pappy Pong.

As if summoned by the thought, a call came in from Dan.

‘Hey!’ I said. ‘How’s my favorite husband?’

‘I mean, last I checked Eris was fine…’ he replied. I could hear his bloody smirk, he thought he was so clever. Granted, he was, but I’d never tell him that.

‘Pretty sure Eris would be “ungendered spouse”, not “husband”,’ I said, unable to hold back my own smirk. ‘But seriously. How’s – which freaking city are you in now?’

‘New Braunfels,’ he said.

‘… where?’

‘In Texas,’ he said. ‘It’s actually pretty nice. Got some good barbecue.’

‘Oh, you say that about every crappy town in Texas!’

‘Hey, the Texans may not know how to build an electrical network that doesn’t crash out every year, but they know barbecue,’ he said, and again I could hear his smirk.

‘Better not say that too loud,’ I said, ‘or they’ll reclassify you as a Villain.’

‘Nah, I’m pretty firmly in the Hero camp,’ he said. ‘But anyway. How’re you doing?’

I sighed. ‘Well, not sure if you’ve seen the card, but…’

‘Ripper?’

‘Ripper,’ I sighed again.

‘Hey, could be worse, you could be doing another round with bloody Holmes!’

‘Poor Mark,’ I said. ‘But I suppose that’s true.’

‘And besides,’ he said, ‘this way I get some vicarious payback on the bastard as I watch you utterly destroy him in that cage.’

My exit was coming up. I put on my turn-signal and started moving over to the right lane. ‘Oh right,’ I said, ‘one of his World Title victories was against you.’

‘Yup,’ said Dan, gritting his teeth. ‘Special reunion show. I was… about a year off getting shot? Had no business being in the ring at all, but …’

‘Shush,’ I said, ‘you’ll taint his victory, and that’ll be another segment’s worth of whining.’

‘Hey, I’m nothing if not a team player…’

I chuckled.

‘But seriously,’ said Dan, ‘you’ve got this one. How’s the prep going against MJ?’

‘Ya know, pretty decently,’ I said. ‘It’s kind of weird having an ongoing text conversation with my opponent, but I can’t say it’s unpleasant. She’s damn determined to beat me, though. Kid’s got heart.’

‘Is she really a kid if she’s 23 and engaged? I mean,  let’s face it, she’s not that much younger than you were the first time the two of you fought...’

‘Thank you for that,’ I said acidly. ‘But to answer your question… I mean, MJ’s fire for this match is firing me up, y’know? We’re playing off each other, and…’

‘Weird but not unpleasant?’ he supplied helpfully.

‘I mean, look, it’s nice to have an honest-to-God wrestling match against a friend, rather than an apocalyptic struggle for the fate of humanity against Amoral monsters,’ I said as I pulled into the carport of our house.

‘I know exactly what you mean,’ he said. ‘I’d been feeling out of place for a while, but… I’ve really been liking HVW, and not just because I keep winning. It’s a good vibe. Even what’s-her-name, the Princess, we had something resembling a nice moment this week.’

‘I will cut a bitch,’ I said with mock ferocity.

‘Trust me, she’s not my type,’ he said.

‘Oh?’

‘She’s not you,’ he said without missing a beat.

‘Well done,’ I said with semi-mock admiration.

‘I do my best,’ he said.

‘Well,’ I said, shutting off the car’s ignition and transferring the call to my phone.

‘Sounds like you have parked,’ he said.

‘I have.’

‘Thank God,’ he said. ‘I’m beat. Sam had me doing events for six hours today. I gotta get back to my motel room, take a shower and sleep this day off like a bad hangover.’

‘Oh, you got Sam back!’ I said. Dan had always been fond of his manager, even if he hadn’t always expressed it… optimally.

‘Yeah – his brother Steve is managing Mark, and where one goes… well, the other goes to their brother’s client’s antagonistic cousin-in-law…’

‘Wasn’t that a quote from Spaceballs?’

Silence.

‘And on that note…’ he said. ‘I’m gonna crash out. Love you. Goodnight, babe.’

‘Love you too,’ I said, hanging up.

The house was still standing, which by itself was a good sign that Eris’ shenanigans hadn’t gotten too far out of hand. Of course, to count my proverbial chickens before I saw the inside would risk tempting fate for another Jockstrap Incident, and I really didn’t want to deal with that again; it had taken me hours to finish digging the holes.

Come on Cali, it’s only been a few hours, what harm could they possibly have done?

Pappy. Pong.

You raise a fair point.

But when I walked into the living room Eris was… quietly working on a crochet Yoda they’d started once we got back from the future.

‘Oh hey, you’re back,’ they said, looking up. Suddenly they winced. ‘Argh. Was that stitch 12 or 13?’

‘I am,’ I said, looking around to see if some sort of prank was imminent.

‘What?’ they said, putting down their crochet hook.

‘I…’

‘Expected mischief?’ they asked.  

‘I mean, when you put it that way…’

‘Sometimes I just want a quiet night,’ they said, returning to the crochet.

I chose a bottle of rosé from the wine cellar, poured myself a glass, and sat down beside Eris on the couch. ‘So, you really didn’t get up to any shenanigans while I was out?’

‘When have I ever done that?’ they asked, smirking.

‘Well, there was that thing with the oatmeal…’

‘Fine.’

‘And the other thing involving the bulk-order of cat litter…’

‘Fine!’

‘And -’

‘Alright, fine, I’m a nonbinary agent of chaos! But really, tonight I didn’t do anything untoward.’

I scrutinized them.

‘Well…’ they said.

‘I knew it!’ I exclaimed.

Just then my phone rang. It was Dan again, which wasn’t that unusual, but under the circumstances... ‘Hey babe,’ I said.

‘Where are they?!’ he exclaimed. I could hear an odd sound in the background. Quacking?

‘Whoa! Let’s start with “hey, how’s it going?” and – ’

‘Tell Eris that I know it was them!’ I put the call on speaker. ‘And I know they’re ducking my calls – dear fucking God is that the joke they were going for?’

I looked at Eris, who was cracking up laughing. ‘You’d be surprised how easy it is to have a flock of ducks delivered to a motel room in Texas, you really would!’ they said through their uproarious guffaws. 

‘Dammit Eris!’ yelled Dan. ‘They – hey, get the fuck out of my trail mix!’ The sounds of an admonished duck came over the phone. ‘I gotta go, but tell Eris that I will have my revenge!’

‘You’ll try!’ said Eris with a grin.

Dan disconnected the call. I sighed. ‘Well. I’d better Google the number for animal control in New Braunfels. He won’t think to in this state.’

 ‘Don’t you think…’ Eris snorted, barely able to keep themselves from breaking into a laughing fit, ‘…don’t you think you should use DuckDuckGo?!’ At this, they literally began rolling on the floor, metaphorically laughing their ass off.

I rolled my eyes, finding the relevant phone number and texting it to Dan. ‘You know that this will come back to bite you.’

‘Oh, when has it ever come back to bite me?’

‘Well, there was the time that he put a live weasel in your dildo drawer…’

‘I meant recently!’

‘That was a month ago!’ I exclaimed. ‘The last time you two went on one of your prank wars – and I have to say, I hope you’re not expecting me to deal with the cleanup again!’

‘There wasn’t that much!’

‘Tell that to my credenza…’ I muttered.

‘So anyway,’ said Eris, as if they hadn’t just sicced a flock of confused waterfowl on my husband, ‘how was your promo?’

‘You know,’ I said, ‘I’m damn motivated to beat MJ when WrestleFest comes around. This is the rematch eight long years coming, against someone I have tons of history with, someone I really like…’

‘And?’

‘… and I’d be lying if I said that there wasn’t a part of me that cared more about beating Ripper this week and shutting him the fuck up.’

Eris chuckled. ‘I mean… he has been carrying on a bit, hasn’t he?’

‘We’ll see if he’s still crowing once I avenge my one-on-one loss,’ I said.

‘Plus, y’know, beat the No.1 contender, have a hell of a match at the PPV… become the No.1 contender?’

I sat down. ‘I’m really not thinking about that right now,’ I said.

‘Oh, but the Internet is…’ said Eris.

I made to reply with precisely how much I cared about the Internet, when a text came in from Dan. ‘Animal control otw, eta twenty minutes. Think I’ve got them wrangled.’ Buzz. ‘Alright. Last one is in bathroom.’

Eris looked over my shoulder at the text. A grin spread over their face. ‘So… he’s got all his ducks in a row?’

‘… I’m going to bed.’